Aging parents

"smobgirl" (smobgirl) 12/04/2018 at 12:00 • Filed to: None

0

30

Way off topic here:

I’ve been on vacation with my Mom, who is in her early 60s so really isn’t considered “aging” yet. But she’s done some mind-numbing stuff on this trip and I’m wondering how you guys have made a judgement call on whether parents are having early dementia or are just dumber than you remembered.

Some examples, among other things:

- spent several seconds stabbing the number in an elevator before someone else reached over and pushed the actual button

- came out of the bathroom ranting that the water wasn’t hot before eventually taking a freezing shower (I didn’t get up to help , because what adult can’t figure this out through trial and error?). I turned the knob the opposite direction when I showered and had a hot shower.

-when I told her to mute her phone (since the volume is set on nuclear) her solution is just to tell whoever she’s texting to stop. She has no idea how to mute it or adjust the volume

So obviously she isn’t doing anything totally ridiculous, but the whole trip has been full of little stuff like this and I’ll admit I’ve lost my patience a few times. I don’t live in the same state so it’s hard to keep an eye on her and she’s always been a little technologically deficient, but these are all things that should be pretty easy to figure out (particularly for someone who called me a fucking idiot for most of my childhood) . Any thoughts from the crowd?

E90M3 > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 12:17

6

My mom has a computer science degree and has raised 3 kids and can’t figure an iPhone. Take that as you will. 

TheRevanchist > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 12:19

0

That’s the patience wearing thin.  It’s just part of getting up there.  My mom is kinda the same way.

TheRealBicycleBuck > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 12:22

2

My mom was always pretty sharp, even at the end. However, she did start tailgating people all the time. When I talked to her about it, we discovered that she needed a new prescription for her glasses.

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 12:32

1

The phone thing just comes with the territory of not having grown up with technology. The other ones seem more like someone who’s just on autopilot and not course correcting. Whether that be from lack of sleep or stress or something else I couldn’t say.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 12:32

3

Cognitive tests for degenerative diseases are fairly simple. The flip side is there is no real treatment.

Item 1 and 2 are alarming. My mom is 70 and has none of these issues. But the phone thing.... my god she has like 27 aps and browsing windows open at a time and wonders why her phone is slow.

Azrek > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 12:38

2

Yeah, my mom will do that, but she had a stroke years ago. She is fine now, but sometimes she thinks I am 14 again and can’t figure out myself. She tried to cut my meal for me in Ireland recently. I am 40 and was leading combat troops at 21.
It is frustrating and I do what I can to get her to just relax and try not to clean or lose my car keys again because they were put somewhere ‘safe’ she doesn’t remember where. 

Chuckles > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 12:40

1

The phone thing is largely generational. My parents are in their 60s snd I've become their tech support. Every time I visit, my mom's phone has about 5 or 6 app shortcuts for the same app.

Chariotoflove > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 12:43

2

spent several seconds stabbing the number in an elevator before someone else reached over and pushed the actual button

I met an elderly couple in the elevator on my way to work just last week, and they did the same thing. It’s hard to say whether you’re seeing the onset of dementia or just some of the rigidity of thinking that comes with age and running out of fucks to give the world. One thing I do know is that the brain is plastic, and that it’s good for it to keep engaged to ward to off aging. Does she like crossword puzzles, word games, or other types of hobbies that use the mind? If so, then this is just getting crabby. Also, is she open to learning some of these things from you or being shown when she flubs something? If she gets belligerent when you try, it could be a sign of mental problems coming on. It can be a sign in older people  of fear that they know they should know how to figure this stuff out and something is wrong.

ZHP Sparky, the 5th > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 12:48

0

It’s tough dealing with aging parents - especially when you don’t live near them (across the world for me). The first example with the elevator might be a bit concerning, but also just a part of aging maybe. As for the shower - was it a particularly weird set up? Or again with aging people get used to what they are around on a daily basis - so if they don’t see anything else regularly things that might be common sense to us is completely new and different for them. And the phone thing, it’s entirely a generational thing. My MIL is very sensitive to light at night but then she opens her phone to check a message and its bright enough to light up a whole room. We’ve shown her how to turn down the brightness but she never does.

I’d say it’s all a matter of changes in the individual and the pace of it. If your mom isn’t someone who is used to elevators too much, rarely gets out of the house etc. I wouldn’t be too concerned about these things - probably stuff that’s been happening slowly with aging, you’re just seeing it all at once spending all this time with her in a new environment. But if it is something that is changing at an alarming rate wouldn’t hurt to see a professional.

And THERE comes the tough part. With age my mom has been having a really tough time dealing with emotions - we’ve had some health scares in the family and some drama that she is having a lot of trouble moving past (like even after the health scare is gone now it’s constant fears of “what if it comes back?”). Even smaller things - like the dad of the guy my cousin is about to marry just passed away unexpectedly. Really sad timing (wedding is literally in a week) but she didn’t even know this person and my cousin, her future husband, and all are dealing OK given the circumstances. But my mom just can’t get over the sorrow. But ooh boy, good luck even considering she talk to a doctor about this stuff. It’ll ultimately help her sleep better at night, literally, but I’m yet to figure out a safe way to bring up that conversation and see it through without setting some serious fires. 

CompactLuxuryFan > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 12:51

0

This is one of the saddest things to think about. I live far away from my parents and I worry one day I’m gonna show up and they’ll be alive and well, but they’ll somehow be... gone? :- (

nermal > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 13:00

2

these are all things that should be pretty easy to figure out (particularly for someone who called me a fucking idiot for most of my childhood)

Sounds like it’s time to throw ‘em into a nursing home . Have your vengeance, t hey’ve earned it.

smobgirl > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever 12/04/2018 at 13:26

0

She couldn’t figure out the self-tagging at the airport despite printed step-by-step instructions either. I have no idea how she manages to get anywhere when she flies on her own.

She’s smoked heavily her whole life and the internet implies it can cause cognitive decline over time, so I’m wondering if that’s part of the issue. 

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 13:28

0

For your sake I hope not, I have seen people with dementia and Alzheimers and yeah, it’s terrible. When grandma can’t remember your name...

smobgirl > Chariotoflove 12/04/2018 at 13:29

1

She likes Sudoku, though I’m not sure she’s actually doing them right. I did notice she really struggled with reading maps this week, and paper maps have never really been a problem in the past (at least not that I know of - she doesn’t have a reputation for getting lost). 

smobgirl > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s 12/04/2018 at 13:34

0

I just can’t imagine concluding that everyone has no hot water and we need to go yell at the front desk instead of trying a different angle on the shower lever. 

Luckily the cleaning staff never touched it so we only had to go through that once.

Chariotoflove > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 13:34

0

It can be really difficult having a conversation about this stuff with a parent, but it might be worth the effort.

smobgirl > Azrek 12/04/2018 at 13:35

1

Hah, she kept putting things “away” and not telling me either. No stroke that I know of but a mini stroke that wasn’t caught wouldn’t surprise me. She smokes a LOT. 

smobgirl > Chariotoflove 12/04/2018 at 13:38

2

My brother is flying to visit her in a few weeks and he lived at home most recently. I think I’m going to have him analyze whether this is new or worsening  behavior and we’ll go from there. 

Monkey B > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 13:39

0

our parents turn into children we have to look after when ours are grown. I hope I never end up like mine for my kids sake.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Azrek 12/04/2018 at 13:44

1

“... because they were put somewhere ‘safe’ she doesn’t remember where.”

 My wife does that all the time and she’s nowhere near her 60s. For her, it’s about distractions. If she comes in the door with keys, a purse, and some groceries, she has to deal with putting everything down while being greeted by three dogs and two kids and a husband and the next thing you know the TV remote is in the freezer.

Chariotoflove > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 13:44

0

Good luck.

Azrek > TheRealBicycleBuck 12/04/2018 at 13:59

0

I’ve never found those keys...it’s been 6 years and I’ve moved 3 times. I am friends with the owner of the house the keys are likely still hidden in...they haven’t seen it. 

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > smobgirl 12/04/2018 at 14:14

0

I imagine her shower probably turns that direction for hot instead of cold

TheRealBicycleBuck > Azrek 12/04/2018 at 15:05

2

Hahhaahaha! When my son was little, he was afraid his mom was going to take away his favorite stuffed animal, “Puppy Dog, ” so he put him in a safe place. My son cried every night for week s when he couldn’t find Puppy Dog to go to sleep . We were lucky to find another identical Puppy Dog to replace the original. We just told my son we found Puppy Dog and he went to bed happy again.

Imagine his surprise several months later when he found the first Puppy Dog! He had stuffed the toy into the bottom drawer of a toy chest and covered him up so he wouldn’t be found. That’s when we learned our son is much better at hiding things than finding things.

facw > TheRealBicycleBuck 12/04/2018 at 16:10

0

My dad has gotten really bad about tailgating, but it’s definitely on purpose. He’s obsessed with the idea that MA drivers just think that because they turn on their signal, they can just cut in front of you, so he’s going to give them no room to do so. It’s a little worrying because I feel like in addition to being unsafe, it’s an area (and not the only one) where he’s lacking a kindness and empathy that he previously had. Not clear what to do about it aside from trying to point out the worst of it.

facw > Chuckles 12/04/2018 at 16:12

0

Being on Android while my parents and brother have iPhones has saved me a lot of trouble. I can still get stuck with computer and networking related things, but at least I can plead ignorance on any phone/tablet issues.

TheRealBicycleBuck > facw 12/04/2018 at 16:12

0

Kindness and Empathy?

Chuckles > facw 12/04/2018 at 16:20

1

Until my recent upgrade to a Galaxy S8, we all had Galaxy S5s. It made it easy enough to help them.

Their computer died, so I bought them a refurbished laptop complete with windows and Microsoft office. I had no interest in getting them a chromebook and teaching them how to use Google Docs.

pip bip - choose Corrour > smobgirl 12/05/2018 at 03:10

0

i’m dealing with my mum in her late 80's

glemon > smobgirl 01/02/2019 at 01:04

0

Coming late to the party, but I just read this and it hits close to home. My mom is smart, but has never had an interest in focusing on technology or mechanical things, they just don’t register with her. She learns enough to function and that is it, as the old joke goes one of the kids has to go reset the clocks on everything twice a y ear.

She had a blinker light go out on her car. I explained to her that you can tell its out if one side blinks much more rapidly than the other. I could tell it didn’t really register, or more precisely I think she didn’t care to devote the sentience necessary to remember that and pay attention to it. Easier to just have me or the shop fix it if someone tells her the light is out.

I say that because all the things you mention are technology/mechanical stuff, and some people choose to not devote much grey matter to figuring all that out. Seems like, at least in my familial situation its an “ I could figure this stuff out but I choose not to” thing.

Second, as someone who is slightly older I notice my mind works differe ntly, I don’t think I have early onset anything, but I have brushed my teeth and put on deodorant so many times it is hard to remember if I did it five minutes ago or yesterday. Partly cause of the blurred similar memories, p artly because you do it on autopilot, maybe same thing with pushing elevator buttons, kind of on autopilot no real thought going in to it while you contemplate what the hell is going on in your life that is more complicated than brushing teeth or pushing buttons.

My father is in the early to mid stages of dementia. It is very sad, but as I try to evaluate where he is at the short term stuff seems to go first . He started having trouble remember when we had set up dates for lunch, but can still quote books and authors he read 50 years ago, as well as current events and politics.

I don’t know that I read anything I would consider very troubling about your situation , though certainly understandably frustrating.

Life is short, s pend time with the ones you love.